Oh the depth of my inability, my knowledge, my commitment, my fortitude.... of my understanding in general.
I believe life is a series of states of mind where we stand firm in our belief that we know more today than any other time in our lives and that we can't imagine that time in our lives, just a short time ago, that we felt that way given the fact that we were not in possession of what we now know! Circular, I know.
Every time I think I have it figured out, I am amazed how quickly that evaporates into thin air as soon as I am confronted with myself. I think I WANT to know more today than yesterday probably to make myself feel like I am in control. Then life gets in the way, or better yet... clarifies that I have so little control. I mean, I know I get up an decide what to eat, if I am going to exercise or if I will have 3 or 4 cups of coffee, but that is not the kind of control I mean.
I find myself making contingency plans for everything in life so as to somehow avoid being caught off guard in life. I call them my worse case, cases. If X happens, then I will go to Y, etc.
God is so patient, isn't He? Maybe to the point of amusement... but there is no denying He is patient.
When my children were small, they would describe their efforts in all activities they participated in as the most important thing they could ever do and how they were unique in how they approached the task at hand. I would would smile, knowing to some degree what lied ahead for them, what they would have to go through and how their view of themselves would evolve over time.
I hope it is not just a desire on my part... but I do hope, no trust...that God in His grace does the same with me. Seeing my bravado, my "knowledge" my control and my false confidence in myself... that He knows and is patient, ever leading me to the deeper knowledge of trusting only in him and living that trust out, day.. after day... after day. Building my faith, through His grace and Mercy.
